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by Tadeusz

Practise Bits: Pallor

May 15, 2012 in Fiction

“Boney! Boney!” Came the cry down the night-shadowed streets, rushing into alleys, and around blind corners, seeking its prey.  Me.  I scrambled up a brass-nailed gutter, grasping at ivy to help me, hearing shouts from inside the house, curses directed my way for I in my pursuit of life and safety damaged their prized house with its stucco exterior, and two stories of height.  My fingers were being cut, and sliced, and under my fingernails a bit of ivy worked, and I cared not as I gained the tile roof only to look at a gable window opening, and see a man with a shotgun to defend his rights to property, and he was frantically opening the window.

I dove backwards off the roof, and did a reverse swan dive to land on my feet on the first story roof of the building across the alley.  It was done well, a moment of perfect stillness, and the shock of landing was done before I realized it, and my ankles hurt not.  Rushing away on the tilted roof, tiles falling, I heard the shouts of the gang of Necki who pursued me, sought my life, for I am an Ork, a half orc, they say, but its not true.  They heard the noise I made and the hideous dogs they owned howled, dogs trained to kill men, for I am a man.

BOOM.

A searing pain in my right calf, and I leap to the next building.  There a hide in the shadow of a parapet, and I see two holes in my right calf.  Nerving myself, I leap to my feet, and bolt across the flat roof, fearing….

BOOM.

The man with the shotgun will be proud of himself for chasing off a half-orc burglar although I am nothing of the kind.

I ran to the far edge of the roof, and saw that the next house over was too far, and behindf me I heard the belling cry of the pursuers.  So, with hope, I jumped, and made to run, but in the shadow of the wall there was a brick loose, and I went down with a snap that drove black dots in front of my eyes, and pushed a curdled scream from my lips.  Rolling over in agony, I saw that my leg bone was clean snapped through, the pale white bone, like that of my hair, pushing out.  Dead, I was dead.  Surviving for two years in Brindisport after the ship had left me here as a ‘no good Pallordian’ because I had been too clever at sleeping with a knife in hand for my Necki shipmates to beat me to submission while I slept, and this was my last night.

Still, I looked about, found the brick, and took it in hand.  I could maybe take one of them with me.

Out of the shadows they came, tall, well-fed (for the poor do not chase Pallordians having more urgent concerns involving food), and a black as midnight, and good toned as the dark, healthy earth that grew all manner of crops for them.  They came on all sides, and their dogs came with them, growling, panting for the kill.

“I’ve caused no trouble.” I said, leaning against that wall of brick with my weapon hid in the shadows at my right leg.

“You enslaved us once.”

“Hundreds of years ago, and I was hardly born then.” I replied, mockery coming too easily to my tongue.  If I could show proper submission, perhaps they might let me live.  If not, I had a rock and a knife.

“You being disrespectful.” I heard the cocky challenge, and saw the half-dozen around me, and rage spawned in my heart.  Yes, by all the gods, I was disrespectful.  My folk had built this town, made the canals, and then repented of their sin in slaving, and given them to the Necki, and in return I, their descendant was called a half-orc, as if I really looked like one of those pale, slimy man-eating monsters.

“Mercy.” I gasped, showing my leg.  But that only brought cruel laughter, and jests, but for one who suggested leaving me be.  But he was overrulled.  And since I was to die, I closed my eyes, and prepared to give them what for so that they would be enraged and rush me, and I might kill one or two and die quickly, but instead I heard the rustling of bird’s wings, and the light step of dancer’s feet.

Opening them, I saw a cloaked man, darker even than the Necki, a full-blooded Drevnecki of the Old Blood that ruled this town, and he stood in front of me with his back to me.

“Go now.” He spoke, and I wondered how I was to go.

“Not you.” He whispered with a slight turn my way.

“Hey, your lordship, you can join in…” Thump. The cloaked man moved, and suddenly one of my pursuers was flung to the ground as if he’d been tossed from a horse.

“You can’t…”

The skirling sound of a blade, a deathblade, full four feet of shining steel, being drawn riveted everyone’s attention in that street.

“I won’t ask again.” The cloaked man said, his voice full of velvety menace.  And they fled, and he turned to me, and I saw a kind face, dark as the good earth, and honest care was in his eyes.

“Why?” I asked him as he crouched down to pick me up.

“Because in another world, I was as they are, but then I met a man who told me of a God who did not see the skin, but only the heart.”

“Sounds nice.” I said, and passed out.

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by Tadeusz

Practise Bits: Cycling

May 15, 2012 in Fiction

Cool breezes riffled around his throat, and up into the facemasked helmet as Paul Morris swung the Yamaha Custom Roadster motorcycle  out into traffic.  It caught the eye of wide-eyed boys in the back of a truck hauling several bales of hay just in front of him, and an appreciative glance toward his heavy cycle from the coed with the streaming hair in the convertible he roared past.  Thundering up the road, he passed a paint-flaked green garbage truck, saw the driver in the mirror give him a double-take as we came up on the left side, and he and the driver exchanged nods, the garbageman going back to bored.  Paul darted forward as a bump in the road slowed the garbage truck, and flew lightly, his butt rising in the air to go with the flight, and came down.

Standing on his breaks, he swerved right behind a truck with a shotgun across the back window.  By this he knew the pick-up truck driver would be cool.  There was something about carrying guns, at least in this society, that settled people down.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  The trucker went to his right in the four lane road, and Paul opened up, letting the heavy bike leap to its higher potential. In seconds, he had bolted down the road, and was tapping the edge of ninety while in a forty mile per hour speed zone.

A clot of traffic slowed him up to sixty, and he slipped in between an irritated businessman in an expensive lux car, probably afraid of him scraping the mirror finish of the paint, and cut left at the first chance to wheel ninety degrees on to Cooper Street at an easy fifty miles per hour with the wind rushing past his neck, bearing the scent of the several dozen rose bushes that guarded the edge of Cooper Street Flowers, and past them he started to sniff scents that rumbled his stomach as he passed Burgeria, and Burrito Panchos, and Patrone’s Pizza on his right.  Regretfully he promised his stomach ‘later’, and ran the bike back up to an easy eighty before being caught by a traffic light.

In This Case

May 15, 2012 in Blogs

I am racing against the clock, but have managed to upload and announce my second Examiner article in the politics field, The Birther issue:  Supreme Court decisions.  It deals with several of the cases that address citizenship questions, getting a few important points, but leaving one case for separate consideration next time.

I am hastening because before I visit Kyler today and deal with car problems, I have to drop someone at a bus stop; and I do not know when I will return, so I want to leave as little as possible unfinished–particularly since after an early morning start and five to seven hours of driving and time at the motor vehicles agency I’m going to be rather tired upon my return.  So this is me, hurrying.

–M. J. Young

The Last First

May 14, 2012 in Blogs

In today’s Examiner temporal anomalies article, 11 Minutes Ago part 9:  Spoilers, we finally get to Pack’s first arrival, which is his last departure, and begin to explore some of the peculiar things he does based on the fact that he knows what happens not only in the rest of the party but in the years to come.  There are more things to cover in this, including the most vexing problem of all in this film, but we’ll get to those soon enough.

It appears that my week now will include a trip north to visit a son with car trouble, which might be tomorrow and might not be easy on any day.  I also apparently have a Collision rehearsal Friday cutting into my time a bit deeper.  So it promises to be a busier week than usual.  Id’ better get to it all if I hope to stay afloat.

More Circles to Run

May 10, 2012 in Blogs

My wife was told that because her place of employment is changing hands, her final check from the previous employer would not be directly deposited into her account and she would have to drive across town to get it from their local offices within a very narrow time window today, or it would be mailed and at the mercy of the postal service.  Thus we rushed to be out of the house, and I delayed all the work I do to start the day, only to discover that we were misinformed–the electronic deposit had been made overnight, and all we received was an explanatory stub.  But then, as long as we were “oot ‘n’ aboot” she thought of wonderful things we could do on her off day.

This should not be construed as complaining about what we did; we had a mostly good time, and I am not regretting it.  I’m only noting that by the time we ceased doing all those things, it was late, I had not yet had my first cup of coffee, and I had–and still have–stacks of things to do even on a light day.  I have managed to upload today’s Examiner article on temporal anomalies, 11 Minutes Ago:  Choppy, in which I explore the quirks involved when Pack takes three trips to fill in his visits between 7:15 and 8:00.  I’ve also managed to pull together a short series on Butterfly Effect 2, and have begun working on a few articles on the implications involved in the whole birth certificate controversy.

I received word that Collision has a solid line on a performance on one of these upcoming Fridays, but the details are still sketchy.  I’m not even certain whether I have a rehearsal with anyone anywhere tomorrow night, and determining this is one of the things still on my plate to do tonight.  I’m going to have to finish this Blogless Lepolt entry and head for other tasks, and hope I return before Sunday, at the rate things are going.

I did read Eric Ashley’s Practise Bits:  Class, about a young verser who is a student in a wizarding college working extra jobs to pay the tuition.  I have not yet read Practise Bits:  Hip, but hope to remember to do so whenever I manage to return.

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by Tadeusz

Practise Bits: Hip

May 10, 2012 in Fiction

The two men, one immortal, both elderly in years if not in body, stood side by side on the sloping brown lawn of the mortal’s mansion home looking down into the valley where the metropolis burned in the fires of rage, and hate, and literal flame. Beyond the hundreds of well-fenced palatial homes in the gated community, the rioters spread.  Downhill, if he was still there, Roger the Security Guard was praying very hard, but in all likelihood, both men knew Roger had scrammed.  He had not been trained or taught for battle, but for politely ignoring drunken underage girls brought from the city for a party in a nice car.

“How long until they get here?” The immortal, one Jefferson Coolidge Clark, known as Clark to his friends of whom the other man numbered.  Clark was a verser, a freakish accident of extradimensional physics, and others said the needle in the hand of angels keeping the Multiverse together.

“You’re the expert in TEOTWAKI, as you told me, what five decades ago?  The End of the World As We Know It, and you told me it was coming.” Michael Althidge, one of the fortunate few, a man with enough money and the right genetics to buy a rejuvenation treatment so that he stood to watch the End in a thirty year old body instead of a seventy year old one.  On the other hand, perhaps not so fortunate.

“Recriminations do little good, and you’ve already repented.  I saw your last two films.  They were brilliant, and ….”

“They were good. And by that I mean Good with a capital ‘G’. I took ten years off after the ‘Laugh Riot’, after I’d seen what I’d done.  Sick I was.  I wondered where you were.”

“I was watching, but from a distance. You were figuring it out on your own, and remarkably not getting trapped in dead-ends of thought.”

“I figured as much, later.” Michael said. He sighed. The memories of those years when he could write nothing, when his fourth wife left him, and all about him, he saw the subtext prophesied in Laugh Riot come to pass, the subtext that he had not even been aware was there when he made the film–those memories were painful, but a healing pain.

There was silence until flames touched on the nearer skyscrapers, and it went up quickly, the flames leaping from floor to floor on the exterior of the building.  Perhaps someone inside had poured fuel oil down the exterior of the skyscraper or opened windows to provide fuel and oxygen to the coming flames.

“I’d say an hour.” Michael said.

“You’re right, I’ve seen TEOTWAKI a number of times.  Saw the Goths invade Rome, and the Celtic priests slaughtered by a Roman bishop, and watched as a certain paperhanger began to rant about Jews and jobs and the environment. But that’s there.  This is your home. You know you’re home better than I do.”

Michael fell down weeping in his lawn, and Clark knelt beside him.

“We had such greatness.  We could be conquering the solar system right now.  Instead, we’re watching our cities burn, and soon, the mobs will turn to the rural areas which already have their plans to build cannon lined walls across the interstates.  Soon, this mob will be dead of starvation or countrymen gunfire.”

Michael shuddered.

“Where did it begin?” Clark prodded.

“O tempora, o mores.” Michael said. “Some Sumerian complained that kids these days had no respect, and drove their chariots too fast.  So we thought complaints about morality were eternal and banal.  What we did not consider was that no one spoke Sumerian anymore.”

“I do.” Clark admitted, and Michael chuckled, patting his friend’s hand.

“Only you then.” And Clark did not disagree.

“We thought we could be eternally hip, be the endless rebel.  We forgot many things in this quest.  We forgot among them that the job of the old was to be the curmudgeon, to tell the young whippersnappers ‘to get off our lawn’.”

They sat there, and the rioters advanced.

“Now what?” Clark prodded.

Michael looked at him confused.

“I…?” He looked blank, and Clark just stared at him, and Michael’s face flushed in anger for a reason unknown to his conscious mind.

“Going to stay here. Watch the rioters burn your house down?  Die?”

” Well, yeah.” Michael seemed a bit defensive. “After all, I can’t stop that. Can you?”  Clark shook his head at the growing firestorm that had reached the first line of hills of the rich and powerful.  No, not even with his powers and skills could he stop that boiling cloud of madness that spread with fire and murder.

“Then what?” Michael’s teeth bared in challenge, and pain.

“Were you forgiven from your sins, Michael?” Clark asked softly.

Michael turned away, his eyes suddenly tearing up.

“You know the answer.”

“Then why do you seek to pay for them anyways?”

“Its not that. Its…this is the end of the story.”

“God’s a better director than you, Michael, and I don’t think this is your closing curtain.”

“Yeah?”

“This is the word of prophecy to you, Michael. Go to the country, and walk, and when you find some gathering of people, tell them why this horror happened. Eat of their bread if they will give it freely, and then walk again.” Clark spoke, and his voice had a peculiar, cutting power, an assurance not given to normal voices.  It was a demand, but in the same calm sense that gravity is a demand.  Gravity rarely shouts. It is. It need not shout.

And thus Michael rose, and walked into the dessert, only taking with him a rollagon with water, and five packs of beef jerky, his Bible, and his Scriptwriter’s ‘Bible’.  And in the dessert, and the plains, and the mountains, he testified to the Lord and to the people for many years, and such was his faith that he walked past mountain lions and bears, and passed through locked city gates for the Lord had given him a charge, and he would let neither the works of man, nor the creatures of nature stop him until being very old, he died.

–The Tale of Michael the Wanderer.

The girl in the library of the Twin Constitutional Monarchs of Denver, that huge collection of books gifted to the city by those monarchs, straightened up in her chair, cracked her back, and saw a man looking her way.  This was not unusual for she was attractive and modestly dressed, but in such a way that was very charming.  She smiled tentatively back, and got up to put her book back.  He stepped over to her, and took it with graceful ease.

“Let me…ah, you read of Michael the Wanderer. A fascinating man.”

“True, but there is so much myth and legend about him.  They say he crowned the Twin Monarchs, the first monarchs the year before he died.  Which is impossible. Because he died a decade before then.  Other things, contradictions….Its hard to put together a good thesis on him.”

“Perhaps its all true. Perhaps he ….”

“Came back from the dead to crown the twin kings?”

The man smiled.

“Actually, he travelled through time to do it.”  She stared at him, and then burst out laughing.

“Good one, mister. What’s your name, if I may be so bold?”

“Clark.  And I hope I can convince you Michael was as said.  For the first step to the end of the world as we know it is forgetting the past.”

“Well, you can try to convince me over a cup of coffee.” She smiled, and he nodded, following her out of the library.

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by Tadeusz

Practise Bits: Class

May 9, 2012 in Fiction

Running up the too narrow treaders built for gnomes, and ducking under the respectbar built into the cavern roof, which bar forced you to bow to Isolde, goddess of the hunt, statuetted on the end of the hall, Jackson passed Lady Gillian of the Hawks, who affected not to notice him, but loudly mentioned ‘stinks’ to her several well-garbed girlfriends who all tittered in laughter as he left them behind.  In order to not being forty years in debt when he left the Academia Magica, he worked three jobs while attending the Academia.  It left him little time to arrange the seven layers of wide scarfs that served as a shirt, or to properly pleat the kilt in second year green.

Turning left at the T in the hallway, he raced up further, the floor turning from packed earth to cobblestones, and came to a halt before the golem built into the doorway.  It looked at him, and a chill of thaumaturgical magic washed over him, comparing, tasting, see if he really was Second Year Albert Jackson, formerly of East Grove, Pennsylvania, and a second string point guard in basketball, and now dimension travelling magician.  He passed, and the golem stepped back sideways into the wall, leaving enough room for him to pass by into the changing room.

Li and Roslyn were already there, suited up in silk booties, leather gauntlets, face mask, and hair net in preparation for the Lab next door in  TL1 or Thaumaturgical Lab One.

“:Late again, Jackson.” Li said with a smirk. His seven scarves were laid over his shoulders and down his chest, and then tied off with the kind of casual elegance that Jackson figured he would never achieve in twenty years, even if he had time to try.  Some people were just born looking good.

Hurriedly, Jackson stripped off his manure boots from his mucking out the wyvern stables, and put on a pair of silk booties, and then felt around for his leather gauntlets.  He could feel the faint build up of resonance in them, of past memories of spells made, and such things could make a spell more pwoerful, but certainly made it more unreliable.  A proper academy taught mage would never wear leather gauntlets more than one day before having them washed in heavy soap so as to remove the memory of previous emotions, and intents, and spells.  But Jackson reasoned correctly that such cleansing was expensive, and only went twice a week.

Dressed, he walked out the side door, and into a room full of wooden tables.  Each was occupied, except for his.  The students of thaumaturgy stared at him, and Professor Horton frowned a bit, and then gestured for him to hurry up.

“Class, now that we are all assembled, let us consider thaumaturgy.  It is the taking of an item that has significance to the owner, and then working your magic through the item using the principles of Sympathetic Magic.  It is extremely demanding when it comes to concentration and emotional control.  You have been learning this for months.  You’ve learned to guard your items behind wards and illusions so that no thief can take them.  You’ve learned to wear face masks so that no wizard can call your breath to be his own inside a bottle, and then sell your life’s breath to an enemy.

Of all the disciplines of magic, thaumaturgy is the most demanding.  Even more so that wizardry, or sorcery, or magecraft.  Even more so that pain lords who cut themselves, the thaumaturge is always thinking, full of emotion, but controlled.  He is neither golem nor weeping lass, and he always, always is seeking understanding without relent.”

We heard the ominous lecture, and waited for some new kick.

“Now class, do you think you’ve done a good job at protecting yourself?”

No one wanted to answer and draw the beak-nosed attention of the teacher.

He waved a right hand, spoke but one word, and then student by student each floated into the air.

“I have not stolen your gear, nor sent a spriggan to cut your hair in th enight.”

Jackson hung uncomfortabley in the air with the others until the teacher decided to have mercy.

“Each of you has used the same testing lab desk for the last ten weeks.  You’ve built up resonances on each desk, individual resonances.”

A chorus of self-incriminationg moan followed.

“Now each of you is going to thorougly scrub your desk with lye soap to remove the resonances.” The teacher waved his arms, and then took his hands to a fingerpoint to fingerpoint setting in front of him.  “Think, my children think. Your enemies and rivals will be thinking. ”

Constituted

May 8, 2012 in Blogs

As I had hoped, my first political article at the Examiner as New Jersey Political Buzz Examiner cleared editorial today, and so I can announce that the first look at the first issue we will be examining is now available as The Birther issue:  the Constitutional question.  I started announcing it as soon as I saw the notice that it was published, and now await feedback with breath abated.

I’m rummaging over what to write next–that is, after the four-part consideration of this issue finishes its run.  There’s more about the birth certificate that is really separate from the Birther question itself, but I also want to post about coalitions, preferably before the Republican primary at the end of the month.  It occurs to me that I’m not going to make it–I’m too far into the month to get a four-week series posted and then start something else.  But I’ll start writing it anyway, perhaps tonight if things go well.

–M. J. Young

Finding a Sequence

May 7, 2012 in Blogs

I have published the next Examiner temporal anomalies article, 11 Minutes Ago part 7:  earlier, which deals with why Pack makes his next trip to 7:15, instead of following the established pattern of going backward in quarter hour increments.  Meanwhile, assuming that time does not go against me too harshly this evening, I hope to submit the first of my political pieces tonight, in the hope that the editorial staff will clear it for publication tomorrow.  I will attempt to let you know.

There is another bit of a story from Eric Ashley, under the peculiar title Practise Bits:  11!!Leet11!!.  I do not see the connection between this reconfiguration of twentieth century history and the texting language of Geeks, but perhaps I am not understanding something.

Friday’s Collision rehearsal went quite well, overall.  One of the new songs has reached that state that at which the audience would not realize how badly we flubbed it, and that’s a good thing, although it still needs much work.  There’s talk of another concert, and I’m looking forward to it, but am not certain of dates or anything.

Being a bit pressed for time, I’m not going to stretch my brain any further trying to think of what I’m supposed to remember to say, and just leap forward to the next part of tonight’s work.

–M. J. Young

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by Tadeusz

Practise Bits: 11!!Leet11!!

May 4, 2012 in Articles

It’s called different things. No, I’m not discussing being a verser, which is called ‘gatesman’, ‘d-traveller’, and/or ‘worldwalker’.  As should be clear, I mean aspie’s, or as its called in various universes, Linear Affective Mindset Disorder, or Genetic Logic Over-Dependence, or supergeek.  I call it Aspberger’s as thats what it was called in the first universe I was born into, before I became a verser.

Even then, that is before I took home the experimental Scriff Inside! keyboard, I was extremely good at computers.  I had a Jaguar XJS, and a guitar used by Mick Jagger by the time I was twenty-two.  Not that I had time to use them as I worked a ninety hour week for TechOptimal, Inc..

By twenty-three, I had put the Jaguar in a ditch, and bought a Porsche, and bloodied my fingers on the Gibson, and spent eight weeks in the hospital for nervous overstress, and another two months to let my bones get back to what they were supposed to be doing after me and the Jaguar parted ways at ninety miles per hour on that curve.  After that, I always wore a seat belt.  Nothing like flying at a tree, sans jet pack, or car to encourage safe driving habits one would think. I smashed the Porsche a year later, but that time I had my seat belt on.  The old truck I hit head first drove away after the police cleared us.  My lime-green Porsche got lifted by a maglifter onto the back of a junk truck, and I went back to the hospital for three months.

By the time I was thirty-two, I had a total of four friends in my life, none of them female.  And my stock portfolio varied wildly as I kept coming up with systems for beating the market. Some worked very well, and others did…not so well.  And I drove a very large, fire-engine red custom truck, with rollbars.

Prematurely balding, with big glasses, and an adenoidal adam’s apple, and what one waitress had told me was a ‘goofy, sweet smile’, I took home the fatal, or at least transformative keyboard.  One can of the Ultrajolt spiking across the keyboard, drat Googleplex, my insufferable Persian cat, and I was out of There, with There having the values of my home timeline.

I woke in Nineteen-Forties America (with a few changes so that I knew I was not time travelling.  Texas was five states, and California was three, and except for the area around Juneau, the Russians owned Alaska.)  I tried to start a business with my advanced technology, which should have been easy, but I got an up close and personal feeling for what living in High Taxia is like.  If, after much labor, and daring, and fear, I earned ten dollars, the government wanted nine of them, and then people spat on me as a ‘filthy capitalists’.

If the War had not come, I’m not sure what I would have done, but all of a sudden capitalists were not a bad thing.  The War needed mountains of supplies, and although I could not take my advanced computational skills to work, I did know how to run what is called Systemology.  I could put together seven hundred different parts made by fifty different companies, and have it come together in a workable tank or fighter plane.  At the time, I was one of four people in the world that could do that, and the other three were also American.

Without us, the War would have gone far differently.

The other three were smart enough to realize that I was a head above them, and to begin to figure out why.  So I explained it, and we got together, and pushed Enigma early, and by the end of the War, the Nazis were reduced to hand-delivering messages as we had so thoroughly compromised their infonets that we had Nazi battallions duking it out with each other on occasion.

From there, it was a quick step to the Internet, and microchips.  About this time, we became aware that Senator McCarthy might be a blowhard, but in essence, he was right.  The way we had treated the Nazis was the way the KGB was treating us.  They were not as smart as us, but they were insanely paranoid, and there was something in the West, a death impulse, that left us vulnerable as sin to their mind games, what later would be called ‘memetic warfare’.  Most of the modern American ways of thought that I had thought weird back home turned out to be weird because the KGB had created them as mind weapons.

We responded by generously electrifying and Internetting the whole of Russia.  They did not want us to, that is the Politburo, but its hard to refuse tens of billions of free gifts for your workers.  Of course, it was a poison pill.  I designed the Russian Net, and it was very, very easy to hide your identity in it, and oh, complain about the abuses of the local commissar to the whole town, or nation, or world.

Lenin barely got started murdering before he was overthrown, and shotgunned to death.  Stalin never even got started.

Now you probably think of this as boasting.  Its not, not really.  Its to let you know how I got married to a lovely girl.  We met, online, natch.  And I liked her, and she found me funny, and sweet, and we got married.  Let me tell you, I was happy.  I look thrirty, and am actually seventy, and I finally have a girl.

Problem is, I occasionally forget things.  Like this is the seventh day in a row that I forgot to buy milk from the grocery store after our gallon jug had curdled in the fridge.  Now given that I had forgotten after my wife patiently reminded me, you might think of me as heading toward the doghouse.

Instead…

She walked in, and heard on the TV that there had been a shortage of milk due to a Federal crackdown on milk safety standards.  So obviously it was not my fault.

Later, I would shuffle some cash back to the milk companies to make up for their loss.  As one of the Secret Kings of the World, I try to be fair to my subjects while making sure my wife smiles at me.