The Gaming Outpost

Well, slather some Vaseline on those teats because it’s time to milk more humor out of Wingnut Games’ successful Battle Cattle franchise! Wingnut has released the long-awaited expansion to their udderly humorous Battle Cattle: Second Edition, titled Battle Cattle: Quest for the Holy Pail. The game continues the cow humor and takes it a step further, satirizing the classic fantasy RPG that everyone seems to cut their teeth on. Yes, it spoofs D&D. Yes, it uses cows to do so. Yes, it’s funny. Yes, you do need the Battle Cattle: Second Edition rules to play.

To begin cow creation, you choose your cow type along with udder and harness (if any) as usual. However, this is where things get different. You must choose a class for your cow. You can choose from the Fighter, Cowvalier, Pailadin, Free Range-er, Barbarian, Moo-gic User, Bard, Rogue, Assassin, Cleric, Moo-nk, and Necowmancer. Each cow class has its specific advantages and disadvantages. Some classes can cast spells at the expense of armor availability, while others gain improved martial skill at the expense of spell use. The Moo-nk is the most extreme of these examples, being totally unable to use any weapons or modifications on a harness or udder, though this actually leaves you quite a bit of money with which to buy Moo-gical armor and enhancements to increase trample and ram damage (this is what I did for my test Moo-nk; you can download PDFed versions of the cattle that I made here). The one I built actually ended up having +5d6 trample damage! This looked overpowering on paper, but in practice, it balanced because of his lack of ranged attack ability and the fact that he can pretty much only attack by ramming, trampling, and using moo-gic items. However, this can be devastating when the Moo-nk uses his Flying Trample ability (Corriente Tiger, Holstein Dragon?).

Other classes have abilities that can seem overpowering at first, but in practice aren’t bad. For instance, the Necowmancer is listed as having no Disadvantages. At first, this looks a bit strong, but the Necowmantic spells are more limited than the Cleric or Moo-gic user spells lists (with the former of these having fewer spells than the latter), and once the minions (undead cows and golems) are gone, baby, they’re gone. However, they do make for good stalling and damage while the other cow is trying to get through them to you. One thing I do have some misgivings about (though I haven’t had the chance to test) is the Bard’s inherent ability that on an enemy cow’s turn the enemy cannot attack the Bard if the Bard’s player rolls a 1 on a 1d6. That’s a 1 in 6 (roughly 17%) chance that the enemy can’t attack the Bard while the Bard can prod the enemy where the butcher don’t cut! Granted, the chance isn’t that tremendously great, but it’s still decent for the Bard’s player. If it ends up not working for you, consider changing it to a 2 on 2d6 instead of a 1 on 1d6. Of course, remember that this was something I was unable to test (Hey, I’ve got classes!).

The weapons have become medievally-themed, and the focus has shifted from BC: 2E’s ranged weapons to close-quarters weapons (like swords, axes, and the like, though axes can also be used as missile weapons with an axe thrower), though there are still things like a primitive form of the Cattle-Pult, along with crossbows, the ballista, and the trebuchet and onager. There is much less chance of tipping with weapons in Quest for the Holy Pail You also have to buy your spells, which are one-shot items. The one-shotness of spells combined with the lmited weapon and armor selection of the Moo-gic User, while faithful to the satirized material, really make the Moo-gic User more of a flavor cow than a serious contender to win in a stand-up fight. After a Moo-gic User’s spells are gone, it’s usually on its way to being ye olde cheeseburger.

In all, Quest for the Holy Pail is a greatly amusing expansion to Battle Cattle: Second Edition If you like cow jokes and you like miniatures combat, make sure you pick of BC: QftHP. Also, make sure you check Wingnut’s website, as they now have an FAQ for Holy Pail up to clear up some ambiguities. Despite said ambiguities (and a few spelling errors/typos, but those don’t really matter- we know what Aldo’s saying!), this is another bang-up job from a company I find myself more endeared to with everything of theirs that I read. To not pick up Battle Cattle: Quest for the Holy Pail would be a definite mis-steak. If thou dost passeth this game up, go ahead and putteth thineself out to pasture, ye who calls thyself a gamer! Have at moo, er, you!