Contest Winner: Orkworld Review

"Orkworld" is a travesty of gaming. I had the choice to buy either this or "Battlefield Earth: The Collectible Card Game," and let me tell you, "Orkworld" is not worth giving up the chance to destroy the runty man- animals.

The background of "Orkworld" is a joke. I was not horribly impressed by Wick's ill-advised decision to base Ork mythology around the songs of pop legend Donna Summer - although I'm sure that during one of Wick's numerous cocaine-induced fetish sessions, he though a god called "Sheworkshardforthemonyah" was a good idea. Man, I wish I was a rich game designer who could afford daily cocaine binges, rather than giving the money to starving African orphans. Wick, you make me puke.

I also believe Wick's hallucinogenic idea to suggest that Orks view the use of adjectives to be criminal and punishable by death was very poorly thought out. Firstly, it made character interaction very slow when we tried to play a game. Secondly, his suggestion for giving any player who uses an adjective a harsh beating forced three of my players into the hospital. (I here must also criticize the quality of the official "Orkworld Player-Hurting Stick", priced at $19.99 - it fell apart after the second thrashing, and I had to resort to a broomhandle to finish the job. The broomhandle gave me splinters in my thumb.) Admittedly, thanks to the concussions, they're far more docile at the gaming table, but the drooling, to my mind, cancels that benefit out.

Rampant unoriginality runs wild throughout the game. Perhaps John "Mighty High So-And-So Game Designer" Wick figured he'd best hang on to the good opinions of the legions of "Legend of the Five Rings" zombies who tearfully fantasize about his buttocks. I, however, was not impressed with Wick's decision to organize Ork society along the lines of seven great Klans (ooooh, a "k", how *hip*): the Wion, the Kwab, the Dwagon, the Kwane, the Scowpyun, the Feeniks, and the Unicorn (who apparently don't even rate a cutesy Elmer Fudd mis- spelling of their name). Furthermore, I was appalled to discover that pages 125 through 128 were actually the "Gamemastering a session of L5R" pages from the "Legend of the Five Rings" man gamebook.

Now that we've discussed the game's background, it's time to address the system: again, a shoddy, corrupt mess. Wick's decision to base the game around the "d5" - - only available from Wick Dice Incorporated -- is a blatant money-grab from the all-time king of money- grabs. The skill system, for some reason I cannot fathom, uses a slightly modified version of "One Potato Two Potato" to determine success. I say "slightly modified" because Wick changed the name to "Wun Putatah Tuh Putatah". Otherwise it is the same. I also find the combat system -- where players fling their d5s at the gamemaster, as hard as they can -- to be exquisitely painful. Rest assured that Mr. Wick will soon be contacted by my legal counsel regarding the eye surgery I had to get after our third session.

Worst of all, the actual game-book itself is a disaster. The binding of the book dissolves the moment it comes in contact with human flesh, the pages crumple at the slightest pressure, and for some reason we cannot explain, one copy purchased by one of my players exploded without provocation. The large sticker upon the cover, claiming "Every Copy Hand-Made By Starving Korean Workers" made me so ill that I could only bring myself to purchase three copies of the main game-book, one of which I naturally wrapped in protective Mylar.

I say this now, without embarrassment or exaggeration: John Wick, you are a blight upon the gaming industry, a plague, a wolf among blessfully innocent sheep. I request that, for the good of the industry, you commit ritual suicide before you create something worse than "Orkworld." And if you do not, rest assured that God will strike you dead like the devil that you are!