Episode 13: You Are What You Eat · The Gaming Outpost

Sorry I’ve been gone so long. I knew I said I’d come right back home, but I bumped into this girl and she was so pretty that I just had to walk her home and when I dropped her off, she said I could kiss her good night… What was her name? Writer’s Block. Been busy, you see. (Well, this is Episode Thirteen, isn’t it?) Busy trying to find a job to replace the last one, busy looking for a smaller place to replace the existing one, busy packing, busy keeping up on the housework while my wife goes to work from 8 to 2 then shuffles off to school from 4 to 11 so she can get a teaching credential, busy writing this column, busy writing Orkworld, busy writing a novel for AEG, busy writing a column for Pyramid, busy writing a 10,000 word adventure for Greg Stafford’s Hero Wars, busy writing spec scripts for Hollywood production companies, busy writing episodes for television producers to peer over, busy with a nagging cracked tooth that I don’t have the money to get fixed because I’ve been unemployed for three months, busy following up on temp agencies trying to find me some work, busy chasing down freelance writing jobs so I can add $50 a month to the family income… Busy. Busy. Busy. Too busy. All busy and no money make John very hungry. And not in a good way. So, in the midst of all this busy, I’ve been looking for a subject to write about, and not a single thing came into my head. (Well, this is Episode Thirteen, isn’t it?) Then, I realized that all of this misfortune might come from the fact that I haven’t gotten passed ol’ #13. So, I decided to just sit down and start writing.

A quick word of advice from another writer — Stephen J. Cannel: “Writers’ Block is trying to be a genious on the first draft.” Good advice.

I decided to link up the subject matter of this column with the symbolism of the number thirteen. You know, Bad Luck. But nothing was coming out of that, so I thought about other meanings that latch on to ol’ #13 and came up with a great one. Death. How do Orks face death? Do they believe in an afterlife? Do they believe that angels come down and collect their souls? Is there an Angel of Death? Lots of different questions, and each answer simply asks more. But, in either case, here’s the Ork version of death, their rituals, beliefs and customs, all in one nice little package. * * * There are three very important elements of Ork death beliefs, and unfortunately, they’re all interlinked. That means I have to talk about elements of each one, skipping back and forth, until you get the whole picture. Be warned, you may get a little dizzy. Let’s start with a false preconception. In a whole lot of fantasy campaigns, Orks eat what they kill, namely humans, elves and halflings. Orks believe that anything you take on the qualities of anything you eat. Therefore, eating a dead Elf or Human is taking on the qualities of that Elf or Human. Yuch. Who’d want to take on the qualities of a sissified pansy? So, Orks don’t eat the other races. But they do eat each other. Now, keep that in mind for a moment or two while we discuss another very important Ork death belief: the soul. Orks believe that every living thing has a soul. Trees, birds, cattle, and even humans, elves, dwarves and halflings have souls. When a body dies, it grows cold. Orks believe this is the soul leaving the body. In winter (the season of death), if you cut a body open, you can actually see the soul escaping the body (the steam of the 98 degree shell suddenly escaping into the cold, cold air). Therefore, when an Ork dies, it is very important to keep that body warm in order to preserve the soul here, rather than going on into the afterlife. “Why would they do that?” you ask. “Don’t Orks want to go to the afterlife?” Well, no. They don’t. That’s not exactly true, they want to go to the afterlife, but that’s not where Ork souls go. Rather, Ork souls go to a great toad calld Gorlam, the guardian of the afterlife. Gorlam was put there by the other races to make sure no Ork ever got into the afterlife. It eats any Ork soul that tries to get through those pearly gates, and will continue to do so until a great Ork hero dies and his soul cuts open Gorlam’s belly, freeing all the Ork souls it devoured. Then, the liberated Orks, led by the hero, will storm across the lands of the afterlife and take back what is rightfully theirs. In the meantime, Orks keep their bretheren from going to the afterlife by eating their own. When an Ork dies, his brothers do anything they can to keep his body warm. They wrap him up in blankets lined with hot coals and bring him back home so he can be prepared by the women and eaten by the men — as well as the mother; she gets the first piece. This way, the fallen Ork’s strengths will pass on to his brothers and his mother, and when they die, their innate and inherited strengths will pass on to those who eat them. By the way, this little practice is called “swollowing”, and the Ork word for it is dravur (drah-vur). When Orks kill their enemies — you know who you are — they dig big ditches and big fires. Then, they fill the ditches with red hot coals and dump the bodies of their enemies in the ditches. Then, they bury them. Orks believe this act will keep the soul in the body, thus preventing it from going on to the afterlife. When an Ork mother dies, she is eaten only by the maidens who serve her. Ork warriors do not eat the flesh of mothers. However, a tribe’s mother always eats the first piece of a fallen Ork warrior (whenever possible). This way, she can take his strength within herself and pass it on to future children. Obviously, this little feasting ritual can only be accomplished under the best circumstances. Often times, great Ork heroes die and their souls pass on to the afterlife because there isn’t an opportunity to bring him back to the tribe. This is a great tragedy for Ork tribes, and one that is often marked with sorrow. So, that’s Ork death beliefs and customs. Now, let’s see how those customs translate into rules. * * * When an Ork eats one of his brothers, he inherits the strengths of his fellow Ork. This means that he inherits Traits from his bretheren, depending on what part of him he ate. Eating an Ork’s heart, and reserved only for a mother or a trusted friend.

Eating an Ork heart confers any one Trait from that Ork’s character sheet; player’s choice.

Eating an Ork’s hands and arms confer the qualities of his strength and martial prowess.

Eating an Ork’s hands or arms give you one of his Warrior Skills.

Eating an Ork’s legs and feet confer speed and agility.

Likewise, eating his legs or feet gives you 1 bonus die on all defense rolls.

Eating an Ork’s stomach is like eating the heart. After all, the stomach retains everything that the Ork has ever eaten. However, it’s a little risky…

Eating an Ork’s stomach gives you a random Trait from the Ork, even if it’s Trouble.

You get the idea. “But John, what about Orks who get eaten without the ritual?” Ah, that’s a good question. There’s always the jealous, the envious and the evil who would murder their brothers to gain their Traits. Orks who commit murder then eat their brothers to steal their Traits gain themselves quite a bit of Trouble. While they do gain strength, they also gain a nasty curse… which is different for each Ork.

Here’s an example of Player/GM knowledge. Why not put the benefits of murder in the players’ section and the drawbacks in the GM section? Hm. Sounds yummy to me.

* * * And then there’s Ork death magic. You know, the kind that’s used by witches. Those nasty little girls who don’t have the stuff to become mothers. Ork witches use anatomy to empower their magic. The stronger the anatomy, the stronger the magic. They can “throw Trouble” around like nobody’s business. They can see far away places with Ork eyes and they can fly using the intestines of Ork boys who haven’t gone through the ritual of manhood yet. Lots of nasty bits.

Which reminds me, if you haven’t seen the movie Warlock, go do so right now. My wife — the B-movie buff — introduced it to me shortly after we started dating and it hooked me right up. Rob V. and I used the witch hunter in that movie as the basis for Kuni witch hunters in Way of the Crab. Lots of good stuff in that flick. Four stars. John Bob says, “Check it out.”

* * * All right. I’m back in the saddle. I’m ready to go back into Orkworld full swing. This has been very helpful for me. I hope its been entertaining for you. Stay busy, but not too busy. Too busy gets you nothing but Trouble.