Episode 16: Just Three Letters: "S. E. X."

No tricks. No acronyms. This week, we're talking about the Big Nasty. The Tubesnake Boogie. The Yearning of the Loins for Each Other.

This week, we're gonna talk about sex. Specifically, we're gonna talk about the problems with addressing … Thingie… in your homebrewed roleplaying game. There's a lot of them. A whole lot of them. It's a big topic, so let's get started.

Problem, The First: PG-14

There're two ends of the spectrum here, and both of them come from the comic book industry. We got DC comics on one end and we got Frank Miller on the other.

You see, there are folks who think you should warn others about the content of your book. After all, the audience for roleplaying games is a wide one, including adults, young adults and children. I've run L5R and 7th Sea for hundreds of people, and let me tell you, there're a whole lot of children in that audience. Do I, as publisher and author, have an obligation to put a warning on my book that says, "This book includes material that parents should read before their children do!"? It's a valid question, and one that could save me from unwanted publicity later.

On the other hand, books like (looking at my bookshelf right now) Fight Club, Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas, King Lear, Othello, Where is Joe Merchant? and even Roget's International Thesaurus have words, passages and ideas in them that "May not be suitable for younger viewers". And isn't it the duty of the parent to read everything their children read? Isn't that the parent's job?

Or, should I be courteous, and tell the parent: "Hey! Orkworld is an anthropological study of a race that never existed, which means there's discussions of sexual practices in here! Like everything else on your child's bookshelf or in his backpack, you should have a look at this before they do" Or, should I just leave the whole thing alone and let people make up their own answers. After all, that's what the majority of roleplaying games do.

Or, should I do as Frank Miller does. Should I write my book the way I damn well please and to Hell with people who think they can dictate what I write because they're afraid their children might become somehow corrupted by the content of a book. I don't know about you, but I knew full well what sex was when I was nine. Had suspicions even sooner. But then again, I was pretty quick as a kid. It's when I started doing all that caffeine that things slowed down.

Frank believes that putting a label on your book is like a sticking a Freak Magnet on the cover; you're just asking for trouble. "Hey! Look at me! I'm controversial! I'm fodder for your book-burning pyre! Just go ahead and throw me on!"

This is the First Problem. The problem of breaking the rules. Even Steve Jackson is hesitant about putting sexually explicit material in his GURPS books. It's a decision I can completely understand. After all, at AEG, my boss - John Zinser - made it simple and clear: No Sex. No Pregnancy. No Babies. Of course, we broke that rule a couple times, but every time we did (okay, not every time) I told him about it, explained why it was necessary and he either agreed or disagreed.

In case you didn't figure it out, this is why we didn't have a chapter on homosexual samurai in the L5R RPG. Not that I tried to include one. I knew better than that. Which leads us to the Second Problem.

Problem, The Second: Who Wants to Play a Gay Ork?

Bi-sexual Ork, actually. But we'll get to that later.

This second problem is one of marketability. Some stores won't carry a game that deals with sexuality in an open manner, even if it's an anthropological study of a race that never existed. Even if I handle it quickly, calmly and without "bad words". Even if I handle it in a cold, observational, scientific way. They just won't carry it. I know this from first-hand experience.

Then there's the problem with the players. Will I turn people away if I have a small paragraph devoted to Ork sexuality? How about half a page? How about a full page? How much is too much? How much should I leave to the imagination?

Or, will the majority of players deal with that little paragraph like they deal with anything else they don't like in their RPG? Will they just ignore it or change it to something that suits them better? It's a good question. And I think I have the answer.

Answer: Jumping Out of the Frying Pan With Cement Galoshes on My Feet

By now, you know that I don't like to compromise when I don't have to. When it's necessary, I'm Compromise Daddy (note: no homosexual samurai in Rokugan). But now that it's my game, under my terms, with my rules, I don't have to compromise. I can do what I want the way I want.

Still, I have to consider fan reaction. I have to consider parents' reactions. I have to be considerate to their needs.

But then there's that part of me that hears Frank Miller and Uncle Harlan screaming about never compromising your principles, never sacrificing your message for the sake of those who don't want to hear it in the first place.

So, here's my compromise between my Conscience and my Ego.

I will include a section on Ork sex. It will be, like everything else in the book, it will not be sensational (with big, black, bloody rubber sex toys), nor will it be as dull as a chapter out of a Victorian wedding guide. It will be about Ork sex, the celebration of the flesh. Here, let me explain…

The Dirty Part

We've talked before about sex, you just didn't notice. When I mentioned that Orks don't recognize that sex has anything to do with childbirth. Remember that? Good. It's important.

Because of that little detail, Orks don't have any sex taboo. After all, the reason homosexuality is "sinful" in our culture is because The Church (which is kind of like saying "The Government"; not at all fair but very convenient for an essay that's supposed to be 2,000 words) decided that sex was sinful and shameful. The only time it wasn't was when we were using it to make babies.

Orks don't have this problem because they believe The Goddess makes babies. Men and women copulating has absolutely nothing to do with that miraculous act. There are no Ork marriages, so there's no taboo against pre-marital sex.

Which also raises another question. If Orks don't recognize that male and female copulation makes babies, what's to stop males from having sex with other males? Or females from having sex with other females? Where are the taboos?

I'll tell you where they're at. They're with all those silly humans, elves, dwarves and stunties. With the knowledge of the seed comes taboo. They get to grow crops and Orks get to have sex with anyone they like without the weight of sin or shame.

Now then. You know my dirty little secret. I'm gonna put bi-sexual Orks in my game.

Is it central to playing the game? No.

Is it important to playing the game? No.

Is it faithful to the race that I'm creating? Yes.

Is it appropriate material for a roleplaying game? … well …

Yes. Yes, it is. Entirely appropriate for what I'm doing. I said I was going to cover every element of Ork culture, right down to the dirty little secrets. To do any differently snaps my disbelief suspenders, and I'm not gonna do that.

Besides, you're too crafty. You'd see it a mile away. If I cheated, you'd call me on it. And I don't want that.

Conclusion

Bi-sexual Orks.

Does that change your mind about buying the game?

If you answered "Yes" or "No", consider your answer. Think about why you answered the way you did. There are complications either way.

And I thought talking about Warrior-Women was Trouble…

Quick Post-Script

If you were offended by this week's essay, it ain't my fault. You knew what it was about at the very beginning. Because you chose to continue reading isn't my problem. You are an adult human being. You have freewill. You could have chosen to ignore this week's column and lived without it. But instead, you continued to read on, joyfully looking for everything that offended you. Sorry. That ain't my fault.

Also, I don't believe that anyone can "be offended". I put forth the notion that people choose to be offended. Take a look at the cover of Rolling Stone magazine featuring Brittany Spears. She looks like a hooker. She's also… seventeen? Sixteen?

Putting her - an under-age girl - in a halter top with her cleavage hanging out in a short skirt in a sexually provocative pose is Kiddie Porn, isn't it? Isn't it? Or is it only when a 400 pound loser who lives in his parents' basement does it count as Kiddie Porn?

This week's lesson: If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then so is the beast.

See you next week, folks.

Maybe. If I survive the stoning.