Episode 17: There Was Supposed to be an Earth-Shattering Kaboom!

Welcome back.

Well, the world didn't end on schedule - God must be an RPG designer - which means I get some more time to develop Orkworld. I've got a ton of stuff to talk about and not a whole lot of space to do it. I've gotta be brief and move fast. You've got to keep up. If you fall behind, the Wuggly Ump will get you.

Don't. Fall. Behind.

But don't worry too much. We're going in a circle. We'll find your corpse - what's left of it - and give it a decent burial. An Ork burial, that is.

(Dibs on the eyes!)

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The Ork Calendar

The Ork calendar is pretty simple. I owe inspiration from my very formative years in Minnesota where everyone knows:

"There's only two seasons in Minnesota: Winter and Winter-Is-Coming."

or:

"There's only two seasons in Minnesota: Winter and Road Repair."

I can't decide which one I like better, so you get both.

If you take a close look at any culture, you'll see that its mythology and folklore are highly influenced by the weather. Cultures that suffer storms, earthquakes and other natural disasters on a regular basis - like, oh say, Japan - invent gods that are terrible, ruthless and whimsically bloodthirsty. Cultures that live in harmony with nature - like our own Native Americans - invent gods that are even tempered and balanced. Of course, there are exceptions to every pantheon, but generally, if you get bad weather, you get Angry Gods.

Orks live in a harsh climate; it's nearly winter all the time. The months that it isn't winter are short. In fact, only of the year is free from the turmoil of snowfall. (And to reflect that, I've got Bashthrakka - one great big angry Thunder God with his shield and spear, ready to kill anything that happens to make his hair bristle.) Orks are surrounded by death for two thirds of their year. Or are they?

Orks actually see it very differently. They aren't surrounded by death, they're surrounded by sleeping life. Trees slumber through the winter, only to bloom again in the spring. Bears are the same. So are the antlers of the deer. And the flowers. Everything is sleeping.

Like any other primitive culture (and I use that term loosely), Orks see magic in the things that die and are born again. Any creature like the deer - who's antlers fall off in fall and grow back in winter - is magic. Orks like to revere magic things, so these creatures are holy.

Now. We got Orks who live in an almost perpetual winter, observing creatures that die and are born again. The Orks base their calendar on these creatures. There's the Season of the Bear, the Season of the Deer, the Season of the Falcon, the Season of the Hare, the Season of the Fox, the Season of the Reindeer and so on. Each critter has its own story and a gift that Pugg gave to each of them so they would be friends to the Orks. Pugg told the Bear the secret of Sleep, for instance. All you have to do to maintain friendship with Bear is let him sleep. Get him riled up, and you've got Trouble. Maybe more Trouble than any Ork wants.

Now for the mechanics.

Depending on when you're born, you get a Birthdie. That die gives you bonuses depending on what kind of die it is. If it's a Bear Die, then you get to add it to any rolls involving Strength. If it's a Fox Die, you get to add it to any rolls involving Speed. If it's a Hare Die, you get to spend it on any rolls involving Hiding. You get the picture.

On the other hand, each Birthdie has a drawback. Bears are slow and sleepy. Foxes are easily distracted. Hares are not very strong. Again, I think you know where we're going.

Finally, each tribe takes an animal as it's totem. Which brings us to another topic entirely. Something I've been holding out on for a very long time. But, it's the new year. So, without further ado, we…

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Ork Tribes

Okay now. Before you go off on "Oh Crap! John's making another Clan game!"…

You know what. I'm not going to lecture you. You should already know about looking and leaping. Or, as the Orks say, "If you invite Trouble in the door, it gets to stay."

Instead of presenting a bunch of pre-fab clans that the players pick from, I decided to include rules that let them make their own. A group of players gets a certain number of points - based on how many players there are - to make their tribe. They get a whole mess of things to pick from including location, population, Mothers and - most importantly - Secrets.

Remember a little while ago when I mentioned that the Ork world for knowledge translated better as "secret"? Well, here's where we get to talk about that.

Do you know how to make a fire from scratch? Not your character, I mean you?

If you don't, then you're not in on the secret.

How about sewing? That's a secret. So's iron working and playing an instrument and computers (that's a big secret), and making paper and repairing cars… and even writing.

Ellison once said (and I have to paraphrase so I don't get in trouble) "Everyone thinks they can do three things: drive, [screw], and write. I don't have a drivers' license." Love that one.

When you build your Tribe, you purchase it's secrets. Simple things like Fire are cheap. Iron Working is right at the top of the list.

You also spend points on how many Warriors you have, how far away from the monsters (humans, elves and dwarves) you are and how well your provisions are stocked. Lots of goodies.

You don't get disadvantages to get more points. If you don't spend any points in Distance From Monsters, that's it's own disadvantage.

Which reminds me. People are always asking me why I never put "botch" rules in my games. I'll tell you why: Because failure is bad enough. Dave Williams taught me that one. And people call me a Killer GM. Sheesh.

Okay. We've talked about the Ork calendar and Tribe Creation. Which moves us right on to the next topic. Now that you know about Tribe Creation, let's…

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Orkworld Metagame

Not only do you get rules for making Tribes, I'm also gonna give you rules for breaking them. The Tribes, that is, not the rules.

Orkworld is played in two "gears": High Gear and Low Gear. I'll get prettier terms later.

The Low Gear game is your usual RPG. You sit around the table and play your individual character and get him into and out of Trouble. High Gear, on the other hand, is playing on the Big Scale.

Hey. Wait a minute.

All right. Small Scale is playing the standard RPG. Big Scale is when the GM pulls out his Orkworld map and you all watch the humans move even further into Ork territory, tearing down trees and building roads. You also watch as elven slave traders capture young Orks and feed them to their hungry gods. You also watch the Dwarven armies of steel cut their way closer to the heretical human Empire - through the Orks. And in the middle of all that, you watch Ork tribes fight each other for dwindling supplies, and resources.

Get the Big Picture?

Before the RPG begins, one (or more) turns go by with troop movements. I'm including Mass Combat Rules for armies - including how players can influence those battles. Some Orks will be caught on the front, fighting off men, dwarves and humans, while others will be in the rear, holding off the stemming tide of trolls and ogres.

Oh. That's right. I haven't mentioned trolls and ogres yet, have I? Maybe next week.

All of which means Orks are running out of time. The situation isn't desperate… not yet, at least, but it is getting rather dark out there. Winter's on it's way again. That means the humans will slow their marching, but it also means more Orks dying because of lack of supplies.

Two seasons in Orkworld: Winter-Is-Coming and Humans-Are-Coming. Full circle. Right back to the beginning.

Next week, we talk a bit about shamen - finally - and how we'll handle the game mechanics of Ork Secrets.

Also, it seems that Orkworld has been hit by that nasty myth someone dubbed "Y2K". (Not really, but like Pugg, I like causing Trouble every once in a while). Don't worry, we'll be up and running again soon.

Take care, keep your loved ones close, and have a hopeful new year.

At least, until God gets this Armageddon thing on the printers. I hear he's having trouble with character creation. Maybe I should call him up and offer him a hand.

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INT. HEAVEN-DAY

God sits on his couch, beer in one hand and the other curled around a bag of chips. His eyes are glued to the TV. Suddenly, annoyingly, the phone rings. God snatches it up with his third hand and answers angrily.

JOHN

Hello? God?

GOD

What the Hell do you want?

JOHN

I was wondering when that End of the World thing was gonna be done?

GOD

It'll be done when it's done! Now leave me alone! The Sci-Fi Channel's playing Wonder Woman re-runs.

JOHN

Okay. Talk to you … [abrupt click…] Hm. Oh well. Guess I'll have to go talk to that Wujcik guy. How do you spell his name, again?