Episode 22.5: Confessions of a Wrestling Fan

Not too long ago, I did a review of the Nintendo game Wrestlemania 2000 here at the ol' G.O. Folks who have known me for a while know that I'm a die-hard wrestling fan from way back. But I got e-mail from at least four readers who could not believe that I watched the violent ballet that some call "professional wrestling".

Well, I do. In fact, I love pro wrestling. Watch it every week, as often as I can. I watch WWF, WCW, ECW, Japanese wrestling, Mexican wrestling, APW wrestling (they even advertise here at the ol' G.O.!), I play wrestling board games, card games and even video games (the only video games I play, might I add). I'll be the second to admit I'm an addict (right behind my wife) and I ain't lookin' for a cure no time soon.

I have daydreams of one day becoming a pro wrestler. But since I turned the big 25+ (you ain't getting what the "+" is), my chances of getting into the sport are pretty slim. But I know who I'd be if I ever got a chance to step into the squared circle: Scorpio Sage, master of the Reverse Figure Four Leg Lock (that's like a regular Figure Four except the guy you're putting it on is on his stomach rather than on his back). Scorpio Sage would be the ultimate heel (that's a baddy wrestler, by the way). He'd break people's legs with his RFFLL with uncaring speed and efficiency. Soon, the federation would outlaw the move, but he wouldn't care. He'd go on with cold, callous abandon, wrecking people who got in his way of the Heavyweight Championship of the World. Picture a Ric Flair/Chris Benoit combo and you pretty much smell what the Wick is cookin'.

And right about now, a whole mess of folks are trying to figure out exactly what pro wrestling has to do with game design. Well, let me tell you, the two have a lot more in common than you might imagine. And the whole point of this exercise is to show you the pits and perils of game design from a different perspective - perhaps a perspective you never even suspected. But, if you've been reading the column this far, you know you can trust me. Come on. Let's step in the ring. I'm about to break kayfabe, baby.

Squared Circle Physics

First and foremost, the similarities between gaming and wrestling must begin with what I like to call "squared circle physics". That is, whenever you step between the ropes, you leave behind all the laws of physics you learned in high school. There's a new batch of them to learn, and fortunately, they're a lot more forgiving.

First, there's The Law of Motion. When you get thrown into the ropes, you have no control over your movement. You simply can't stop running. Now, there are guys who can catch themselves on the ropes, slide under 'em to the outside or (like Ray Mysterio, Jr.) can hook themselves along the top rope and swing themselves around in a motion so pretty it gives my stomach butterflies just thinking about it.

Then there's the Law of Hurt. You'd think that some moves would hurt more than others. For instance, you'd think hitting a guy in the jaw would hurt a whole lot more than a slap in the chest. But not according to the Law of Hurt. In that squared circle, if a move looks painful, it is painful. In fact, moves that look more painful than others are more painful. Moves that look cooler than others are a helluva lot more painful. There's that People's Elbow move that Rocky "The Rock" Miavia does. All he does is drop his elbow on your chest, but the way he does it is so full of panache that there's no denying that it truly is The Most Electrifying Move in Sports Entertainment.

A subsection of the Law of Hurt tells us that whenever you jump off the ropes onto an opponent, he gets hurt. However, if he gets out of the way, you get hurt. Falling on the mat is pretty much the same impact as falling on your opponent, but that's not the point. I call this one the Law of Reversal. The point is that you missed your move, which means you take the hit.

And lastly, when the action moves out of the ring, things get dangerous. Why's that? Because Squared Circle Physics only apply inside the ring. So when a wrestler gets hit with a chair, gets thrown into the steel stairs, gets body slammed onto the concrete floor, he's taking Real Damage. Of course, nowadays, that's the whole point of wrestling, but that's a conversation for a wrestling listserve.

Now what does gaming have to do with all these funny little laws? Ever take a look at the average gamer's attempt to simulate reality with a game system? If you have, then you know that gaming physics and wrestling physics have a lot in common.

Wrestlers take an enormous amount of damage, moreso than any human body should ever be able to take. In gaming terms, we call this "hit points".

Wrestlers fight in a kind of beat and measure fighting style. This style not only helps them time their moves, but also puts the audience in an aura of expectation, ready for that all-too crucial reversal that will swing the momentum of the match. In gaming terms, we call this "combat rounds and actions".

And every wrestler has a special move - his "finishing move" - that he can only use when the moment is right. No matter how beat up his opponent is, no matter how beat up he is, the timing has to be perfect, or he'll never get a chance to use that move for the rest of the match. In gaming terms, we call this a "critical hit" (or, a "natural 20", depending on your regional dialect).

The fact of the matter is, when it comes to wrestling and "real fighting", there isn't much similarity. But then again, when compared to "real fighting", gaming fighting doesn't really match up, either. Does it?

Soap Opera with Muscles

One of the most common complaints I hear about wrestling (besides the T&A that's popped up recently; and trust me, I hate that as much as you do) is the "hoaky story lines".

Of course, these are the same people who watch Star Trek every week. Or have a shelf full of Mercedes Lackey books. Or can't get enough of that David Eddings guy. Or folks who think the Shanara stuff has something to say that Lord of the Rings didn't (and yes, hate to break it to you, but Alanon is an alcoholic self-help group and not the name of an ancient druid, okay?).

But the fact of the matter is, all of those things I mentioned above are nothing more than ginger slices. Yeah, that's right: ginger slices. You know, like the ones you eat between the sushi bits. Remember? When you eat sushi, the restaurant gives you a bunch of ginger bits to wash out your palate before you try something of a different flavor. Ginger slices. They taste kinda yummy, but you don't go to a sushi restaurant to eat the ginger, you go to eat the fish. But between those fish bites, you have a bit of ginger to clean the taste out of your mouth.

For me, wrestling has always been the ginger slice between the Chuck Palahniuk roll and the Robert Anton Wilson sashimi. I know wrestling ain't Shakespeare or Poe, but it is wrestling. Comparing it to anything else would be like… well, would be like… like comparing the ginger to the sushi.

(All right. Long aside. Let's get back to that storyline business.)

Now, if I told you there was a TV show running that dealt with treachery, villainy, heroism, courage, rivalry and the ancient battle of Good vs. Evil, as a typical gamer, you'd probably be interested, right? Well, wrestling has all that and more. You've got the good guys ("babyfaces", or just "faces") and the bad guys ("heels"), loyalty and betrayal (who can forget when Hulk Hogan turned heel on the Macho Man; I think you could hear my jaw hit the floor in Turkey), bitter rivalries (like Cactus Jack and Terry Funk: the bloodiest battles in history have had these names attached to them), family feuds (the Funks, the Armstrongs, the Rhodes, the Von Erichs) and all sorts of dramatic twists and turns that would make even Chris McQuire (the guy who wrote The Usual Suspects) proud.

Of course, you're not going to watch 'cause you're too busy reading, right? And what's that you're reading? The latest novel based on your favorite roleplaying game setting? Right. Sorry to waste your time.

The fact of the matter is, us gamers love melodrama. If we didn't, we wouldn't see so much of it in our books. But it's there. Tell me that half the Dragonlance Saga wasn't about who's sleeping with who. Tell me Star Trek ain't the same way. Like I said above, watch out who you're callin' black, Mr. Kettle.

"But it isn't Real!"

This is the one that kills me.

After Mick Foley got his ear torn off by the ring ropes, after the doctor told him that it was impossible to re-attach it, just when the nurse dropped the limp piece of flesh that used to be his ear into the trash, she turned to him and asked, "Is wrestling real?"

You just threw away his ear, babe. You tell me if it's real.

The fact of the matter is, sometimes wrestling is all too real. There's more of Foley's anatomy in wrestling arenas than what's left on his body. Terry Funk's legs are so bad, doctors can't figure out how he's able to stand. Buff Bagwell broke his neck in the ring - a year later, he's still wrestling. The wrestler known as "X-Pac" broke his neck twice performing for us wrestling fans. Chris Benoit nearly lost an arm. Eddie Guererro's arm is in a cast right now and he's ready to get back into the ring. Shawn Micheals proudly boasts of "dozens" of concussions and went through a surgery that replaced a part of his spine. Wrestlers boast of hundreds of stitches, blown out knees, torn elbows and shoulders, and dozens of other kinds of injuries… all for a "fake sport" where "nobody really gets hurt".

Tell that to Owen Hart. Tell him how fake wrestling is.

(A quick aside. I have a friend who loves boxing, but can't understand why I watch wrestling because it's "fake fighting". Of course, the fact that the people he's watching are really trying to beat the hell out of each other is somehow more noble or more valid. I'll never understand that.)

All of this is getting to a point. Because, Faithful Reader, the rest of the publishing industry looks at gaming the way "real athletes" look at wrestlers.

We're not real writers. We're the gaming industry.

We're not designing tools that allow people to walk in the hero's shoes, we're the gaming industry. We're not telling Living Myths, we're the gaming industry. We're not Cooperative Storytellers, we're the gaming industry.

And that's all we'll ever be: a funny little hobby that's run out of basements.

The next time someone tells you wrestling isn't real, you think about that. Look at your bookshelf. Look at games like Unknown Armies, Vampire, Over the Edge, Castle Falkenstein, Pendragon, and all those Glorantha books. Then, you look at the crap that "real" publishers are putting on the shelves. Look at what "real" writers are putting on TV and the silver screen. Feel that bile rising up in your chest? Feel that anger? That rage? Like someone just took something that's meant a whole helluva lot to you for the better part of your life and pissed on it?

Well, that's how I feel about the gaming industry. It's also how I feel about wrestling.

Conclusion

Like I said: I love professional wrestling. As Greg Stolze pointed out, I also love roleplaying games. Both have a lot in common. In fact, I learned a lot about designing RPGs from watching over twenty-five years of piledrivers, flying forearms and chair shots. And whenever someone tells me: "John, I can't believe you're watching that crap," I just take a look at their bookshelf, find the latest game novel and read a single paragraph.

That's about how long it takes them to start wincing.

We've all got our vices. And some of them are a little closer than you suspect.

PS: And if you think li'l ol' me don't have a wrestling RPG and CCG up my sleeve, you've got another thing comin'. See you on Friday.