Episode 29.5: A Moment of Melancholy

(My wife likes sketches more than she likes finished art. “Sketches are honest,” she tells me. “The finished work is like a well-crafted argument. Sketches are the artist screaming at the world, his emotions at full volume, not giving a crap who hears it.”

(Well, here’s a sketch for you. Much ado about nothing. It was written in less than 15 minutes. I haven’t touched a word since I’ve written it. It’s not very refined, but, it’s honest. I hope you enjoy it.)

I was just sitting here, listening to Sarah McLachlan’s song, Angel, and I had to start writing. See, it was about eight months ago, on a Sunday afternoon, in the AEG offices, when I put that CD in the player, forwarded it to that song and hit “REPLAY” as I wrote the last thing I’ll probably ever write for Legend of the Five Rings. It was called No Regrets. The Last Kachiko Story.

As I sit now, I have to wonder if that story will ever see the light of day. While I left AEG under very friendly circumstances, it’s no secret I’ve had my run-ins with the folks up in Seattle who actually own the game. It’s up to them whether anyone other than me or Ree ever reads the story.

(For those of you who don’t know, even though the folks at AEG created L5R, they don’t own it. Wizards of the Coast does. It’s a long and complicated story that doesn’t need to be told here.)

It took me a few hours to write the story. I knew what I wanted it to say and I knew how to say it. But every word was a razor under my fingernails. Every word I wrote was another step towards leaving Rokugan forever. Leaving her. Forever.

My wife calls her “the other woman”. And it’s funny, in a way, she has been. For me, Kachiko is Rokugan. She was my viewpoint character for the Clan War storyline, created after I saw Matt Wilson’s painting for “Scorpion Shugenja A”. Before that moment, there was no Clan War storyline. There was no Rokugan, no dying Emperor, no Day of Thunder, no Shinsei, no nothing. It all came from that painting. The whole story. When it came in, I sat and stared at it for hours. There was something behind those eyes. A story that had to be told. She may as well have reached up from the paint and ink, grabbed me by the collar and said, “TELL MY STORY!”

But she didn’t. She’d never be that blunt. She sat back on that pillow, looked up at me and without saying a single word, she made me write two years of stories and characters. For me, L5R has always been for her. Always.

So, I gave her a husband that admired her and a lover who adored her. Then, I cut both of them out of her life with a sword forged from blood and tears, leaving wounds in her flesh that would never heal. I gave her a vendetta she’d never be able to fulfill. Then, I gave her a destiny that was greater than she ever knew she could be. I hit her harder than I’ve ever hit any of my players, but she kept getting back up, refusing to stay down. “You can’t hurt me,” she said. “Nothing can hurt me.”

So, on the Day of Thunder, I took away the only man she ever loved. Put a four foot razor blade right through his chest. But she was cunning and she was strong and she showed me that even that wound couldn’t keep her down.

And just when I thought I couldn’t be any more cruel, Wizards of the Coast decided to send her into the desert. I screamed for three ours in a hotel in Cincinnati to keep her in Rokugan, but it was all for naught. She was to go.

So, when I finally got the courage to tell her, she smiled and said, “The desert? Is that all?”

I thought that was the worst I could do to her. I was wrong.

And on that Sunday afternoon, writing with tears in my eyes and Sarah’s music in my head, she proved once again that she was stronger than either of us knew she could be. Right to the very end, she never flinched.

For four years, my life was dedicated to her. I couldn’t go dancing on Friday night because I was in my office until three AM typing as fast as I could to meet the Monday deadline. But Jenny would wait for me. I couldn’t drive to San Francisco over three day weekend because I had to be at the LA convention, running the RPG or watching the CCG tourney for storyline reasons. But Jenny would wait for me. Always waiting. Always waiting for me to get free from The Other Woman.

And so, on that Sunday, as I wrote the story, I realized that each word was another step toward goodbye. Goodbye to Rokugan, goodbye to Kachiko. When I was done, my shirt was wet. Two years of my life were devoted to her. Two years. All done.

Last year’s Gen-Con saw a wake for another L5R character: the Great Bear, Hida Kisada. I didn’t kill him - that was Ree’s job - but I was there. It was moving. Hard to breathe. We said a lot of pretty words - pretty to a Crab’s ears, anyway - and said our goodbyes to one of the biggest L5R characters in the history of the game.

Someone suggested to me we do the same for Kachiko. They don’t even know how the story ends, yet. And they want to hold a wake.

So, I was just sitting here. Listening to the same song.

Something stirred inside of me. Not the urge to write another Kachiko story, but a queasy kind of feeling that tells me that it isn’t over yet. I’ve written the story, but it hasn’t seen the light of day. No-one but me and Ree know how it all ends. That’s when I realized what was wrong. Until the world sees it, I haven’t really said goodbye. I feel like Merlin watching Gwenevere and Lancelot meet for the first time. I know what’s going to happen, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, change it, or even rush it along.

It will happen. In its own sweet time.

All of this has a point. A game design point.

People often ask me, “Why are L5R fans so in love with the game?”

“That’s easy,” I tell them. “Because I’m in love with it.”

I think it’s easy to feel the emotional attachment I have to the characters I create. I love them. Okay, some of them I hate with a passion, but even still, there’s emotion there. And the more powerful that emotion is, the easier it is to feel on the other side of the page.

Why do people love Dragonlance? It isn’t because you get to ride the dragons. It’s because of the characters.

Why do people love Lord of the Rings? It isn’t because Tolkien could come up with seventeen different names for one tree, it’s because of the characters.

Star Trek? The characters.

Babylon 5? The characters.

Star Wars?

Okay, I gotta admit, those light sabers are pretty cool.

But it all comes down to the characters. A setting without character is& well, boring. That’s why each of the games I’ve designed have been placed right in the middle of a dramatic and evolving setting. Things are in flux (wait for it), changing every moment, or at the edge of ruin and catastrophe. In L5R, it was the Clan War. In 7th Sea, each nation stands on the precipice of something huge. Avalon is Arthur’s court, just waiting for the betrayal. Montaigne’s revolution is right around the corner. Castille’s pace is burning out its peasants at an amazing rate. Vodacce has so many plotlines (fate threads), it’s ready to tumble at any moment.

And in Orkworld, the change is coming whether orks like it or not. Men and dwarves have discovered iron and they’re ready and willing to go get it& no matter how many orks get in their way. And then there’s the elves, always pondering the right moment to blow everything straight to hell. Would they survive? Can’t say one way or another. And what better way to find out than to give it a try&?

And so, here in the middle of a Friday afternoon, with Kachiko’s music in my head, I’m remembering the love we all felt in the AEG office for what we were doing. I remember the love in players’ eyes at the Day of Thunder. And I wonder when her story will be told. I wonder when I get to say goodbye for the last time.

And I wonder if I’m the only one who gets it. The only one who understands that we’re not making games, we’re telling stories. You and me. We are the only literature where the author also gets to be the audience. We aren’t just writing or watching the hero’s journey, we’re walking it. Every step of the way. Right there with him.

I walked those steps with her. All the way down to that whispering lake.

And I wonder if I’m the only one..