From the article archive
The End of Dreams
The End of Dreams
"And if I die before I learn to speak/Will money pay for all the days I've lived awake but half-asleep"
--Primitive Radio Gods, "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand"
So this is it. The last Dreaming Out Loud column. We have come quite a long way together, haven’t we? From the Sea of Mist to the Garden and everything in between, I have spun my dream world for you. I hope that it dances and shimmers in your mind the way it does in mine.
I have to make a confession. I wrote this column a long time ago. In fact, right now it is just past midnight on my twenty-fourth birthday, which would be July 31, 2001. As I am writing I do not know when this column will finally be submitted, when I finally draw this journey to a close. And make no mistake, writing this column and designing this game has been a journey for me, let alone for you. When I began working on Alyria so long ago, it was an excuse for a wargame. Now… Now it is something altogether different, a roleplaying game of breathtaking beauty and melancholy grandeur. Or at least that is what I see. I hope that you see the same. At the beginning, Alyria was just a standard fantasy world with some gloss. Now it has become something altogether different.
I have changed along the way, too. In fact, that is what prompted me to write right now. For scheduling reasons, my birthday party was held on the Saturday before my birthday. My entire family pooled their time and resources and built me a decorative pond in my backyard, which, more than anything, is what I would have wanted for my birthday. I was overjoyed. There was no way I would have expected this. You need to understand, though, that this desire is not in a vacuum. Rather, I am slowly working on shaping a Japanese garden in my backyard. For those of you who do not know, a Japanese garden is supposed to be an evocation of nature, an enclosure of nature and beauty designed as much to keep the world outside as to confine the life within. As I grow older, I find this desire grows stronger. I find solace in my developing garden. Wind chimes tinkle in the breeze. Soft lights illumine a small patio. And now the tinkle of water blends softly into the environment. Outside there may be strife and torment but there is peace and safety within my garden. I can go there to calm myself, to center myself, to find a taste of the peace of heaven here on Earth.
I love my garden. However, this was not always the case. I discovered all of this rather recently. My mother always enjoyed gardening when I was younger but I never really cared for it. No, the genesis of my interest in Japanese gardens was when I read a book about the influence of Zen on Japanese arts. That book opened my eyes to a different sort of aesthetic than I had ever known. A minimalism that was still full of life and joy. An appreciation not only of beauty that lasts but also of beauty that fades, that is beautiful because it fades. A melancholic joy in fading beauty. A contemplation of shadow. My life was changed forever because I read that book.
However, I did not seek out that book because I was interested in researching Japanese aesthetic. Rather, I happened to grab it as I hurried through the library because I thought that it might be interesting material for the Right and Left Hand Paths for Alyria. I thought I was getting source material and I ended up changing my entire life.
That is certainly not the only change that has been wrought while I was working on Alyria. As I wrote and worked and thought, certain ideas, values, and goals clicked with me. I have tried to capture these in some of my columns. I understand better now what my duties are as a designer, what constitutes a “good” game, what beauty looks like. I feel as though my life has been shaken to the core. That has been my entire experience with Alyria. I am not the same person that I was when I began the work. I started Alyria as a craftsman, designing a solid world. I find myself finishing Alyria as an artist, having at the same time a deeper understanding of the beauty that I find in my games but also understanding better how little I really understand about art at all. I look back at the time that we have spent together and I see that I have changed almost beyond recognition. I thought that I was shaping my world, but in a way, it was really shaping me.
I would hope that this would be true of you as well. I hope that our journey together has touched your soul just a bit, and that your heart sings a little more freely as you travel the paths of life. I have dreamed out loud here, ensnaring myself in my own dreams. I hope that you have been caught up with me.
I am in my garden. The wind rustles my chimes, spilling beautiful music into the air. The quiet murmur of water is in the background. Here I will take my leave of you. Perhaps we will be able to travel together again sometime. But before you go, remember one thing. Like I said, Japanese gardens are supposed to be a refuge from the world outside, a haven of peace and safety. In a strange sort of way, Alyria is also my garden, a place of refuge from the world outside. It is not perfect by any stretch, but it still reaches out to you with mist-wreathed arms and calls out your name. Just remember as you go that you are always welcome here. Alyria can be your garden, too. There is plenty of room for both of us. So when the world is oppressive and chaotic, just step into this garden that I have built for us, and let the mist sweep you away. For so long as you can dream, Alyria will be waiting for you.
Godspeed, my friend, Godspeed.
"And if I die before I learn to speak/Will money pay for all the days I've lived awake but half-asleep"
--Primitive Radio Gods, "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand"
So this is it. The last Dreaming Out Loud column. We have come quite a long way together, haven’t we? From the Sea of Mist to the Garden and everything in between, I have spun my dream world for you. I hope that it dances and shimmers in your mind the way it does in mine.
I have to make a confession. I wrote this column a long time ago. In fact, right now it is just past midnight on my twenty-fourth birthday, which would be July 31, 2001. As I am writing I do not know when this column will finally be submitted, when I finally draw this journey to a close. And make no mistake, writing this column and designing this game has been a journey for me, let alone for you. When I began working on Alyria so long ago, it was an excuse for a wargame. Now… Now it is something altogether different, a roleplaying game of breathtaking beauty and melancholy grandeur. Or at least that is what I see. I hope that you see the same. At the beginning, Alyria was just a standard fantasy world with some gloss. Now it has become something altogether different.
I have changed along the way, too. In fact, that is what prompted me to write right now. For scheduling reasons, my birthday party was held on the Saturday before my birthday. My entire family pooled their time and resources and built me a decorative pond in my backyard, which, more than anything, is what I would have wanted for my birthday. I was overjoyed. There was no way I would have expected this. You need to understand, though, that this desire is not in a vacuum. Rather, I am slowly working on shaping a Japanese garden in my backyard. For those of you who do not know, a Japanese garden is supposed to be an evocation of nature, an enclosure of nature and beauty designed as much to keep the world outside as to confine the life within. As I grow older, I find this desire grows stronger. I find solace in my developing garden. Wind chimes tinkle in the breeze. Soft lights illumine a small patio. And now the tinkle of water blends softly into the environment. Outside there may be strife and torment but there is peace and safety within my garden. I can go there to calm myself, to center myself, to find a taste of the peace of heaven here on Earth.
I love my garden. However, this was not always the case. I discovered all of this rather recently. My mother always enjoyed gardening when I was younger but I never really cared for it. No, the genesis of my interest in Japanese gardens was when I read a book about the influence of Zen on Japanese arts. That book opened my eyes to a different sort of aesthetic than I had ever known. A minimalism that was still full of life and joy. An appreciation not only of beauty that lasts but also of beauty that fades, that is beautiful because it fades. A melancholic joy in fading beauty. A contemplation of shadow. My life was changed forever because I read that book.
However, I did not seek out that book because I was interested in researching Japanese aesthetic. Rather, I happened to grab it as I hurried through the library because I thought that it might be interesting material for the Right and Left Hand Paths for Alyria. I thought I was getting source material and I ended up changing my entire life.
That is certainly not the only change that has been wrought while I was working on Alyria. As I wrote and worked and thought, certain ideas, values, and goals clicked with me. I have tried to capture these in some of my columns. I understand better now what my duties are as a designer, what constitutes a “good” game, what beauty looks like. I feel as though my life has been shaken to the core. That has been my entire experience with Alyria. I am not the same person that I was when I began the work. I started Alyria as a craftsman, designing a solid world. I find myself finishing Alyria as an artist, having at the same time a deeper understanding of the beauty that I find in my games but also understanding better how little I really understand about art at all. I look back at the time that we have spent together and I see that I have changed almost beyond recognition. I thought that I was shaping my world, but in a way, it was really shaping me.
I would hope that this would be true of you as well. I hope that our journey together has touched your soul just a bit, and that your heart sings a little more freely as you travel the paths of life. I have dreamed out loud here, ensnaring myself in my own dreams. I hope that you have been caught up with me.
I am in my garden. The wind rustles my chimes, spilling beautiful music into the air. The quiet murmur of water is in the background. Here I will take my leave of you. Perhaps we will be able to travel together again sometime. But before you go, remember one thing. Like I said, Japanese gardens are supposed to be a refuge from the world outside, a haven of peace and safety. In a strange sort of way, Alyria is also my garden, a place of refuge from the world outside. It is not perfect by any stretch, but it still reaches out to you with mist-wreathed arms and calls out your name. Just remember as you go that you are always welcome here. Alyria can be your garden, too. There is plenty of room for both of us. So when the world is oppressive and chaotic, just step into this garden that I have built for us, and let the mist sweep you away. For so long as you can dream, Alyria will be waiting for you.
Godspeed, my friend, Godspeed.
Recovered from the Gaming Outpost database backup. Original wording is preserved; damaged punctuation and presentation markup have been repaired. Historical links without a local match point to the Internet Archive.